Post 103: Still Pretty Chill Despite All the Fires

Ooook, what all happened this week….

I still feel sad about being away from Japan, because it is only the good things that I loved about Japan that is left in my mind. It’s great, because I would rather have those thoughts than the negative. HOWEVER, I need the negative ones to help balance out my thoughts and feelings. I want to not miss Japan as much as I do. I think that is why I am going through a phase of getting rid of shit bit by bit. ….being less cluttered. Although, when I declutter the house, I declutter my finances….and declutter my mind.

I am happy that we are starting to get into autumn. As each year passes, I find that I love autumn more and more. It’s the weather starting to get cooler and being cozy inside the house. It makes the cafe feel so much more wonderful. I think, other than missing Japan…because I don’t think I can have that again (I miss seeing all those city lights from my cozy apartment and falling asleep to them)…I miss the 4 seasons. That IS something that I can have again. I just don’t know when.

I was listening to a YouTube channel that has the autumn ambience sounds and it has this image:

I want to be there….all the time. This is my dream space. In my life, I have wanted to live in Japan, buy a car outright, pay off my loans, and live in a house. I worked my ass off. I got what I focused on. I feel like if I just keep plugging away, I can get to a place that has four seasons and a little cozy cafe room for myself. I think the thing that holds me back is….will I be able to find a job in said place?…that and my husband wants to stay for his job and it is unknown how long he wants to stay (when to retire). There was one person that was well in their 80’s working and I’m like….nope…not going to stay in California for another 30 years. So, I am aiming for a time-frame of 10 years to leave California. That will give me enough time to save at work (provided I stay in the same job) and my husband enough time to do what he wants to do in his job. Actually….it is hard to imagine myself in the same company/job at this point for 10 years straight….the game industry is super volatile.

Let’s see, I have been doing a little art here and there. This is Chiyo in Tochigi:

This is an ink and watercolor piece I did of the hill when coming back from the vet in Takadanobaba

I have been doing a bit more exercise lately. Scheduling it out and not making myself feel bad about days that I need off due to my body recovering. I am trying to keep it light and fun. So far, so good. :) I work up a sweat and am happy about that. I still have a harder time falling asleep, but the exercise does help me sleep more soundly when I do fall asleep. I also have an urge to want to ride my bike, so I got some equipment to do so. I am just waiting for the bike pump so I can tend to my tires.

One other thing my husband and I did, was actually program the garage door code pad to open and close to a code! But I had to buy a 6 foot ladder at Home Depot to do it. We also put the Futons into storage in the garage ceiling. So, we did some pretty good things to clean up and just do….since we should have done them ages ago.

I want to hike too. I want to travel. I think the not being able to travel has been a good thing in terms of me coming to terms with having discipline within myself. Especially towards the running half and full marathons. I still would like to, but I feel that I have been given the chance to really consider how to train myself. How to start enjoying exercising for MYSELF. I don’t need a gym, but when one is available safely, I am happy to join one….though I fucking love Orange Theory style.

I just miss the fact that I could have had a solid opportunity before starting work to go to England or back to Japan for a week. I am truly sad that that opportunity was not a thing due to covid. As I am going through all this, I see a lot of folks not handling the covid thing very well at all. There are some that emphasize more of “my anxiety” and “my depression” more than normal. It makes sense, but now I am thinking about….everyone seems to have a form or level of anxiety and depression. And then there is a close friend I have that I have seen go through a hard core anxiety episode. Now I am trying to figure out what is actually considered “normal”. It almost seems like the mainstream “anxiety” and “depression” that everyone seems to fashionably have is a normal human experience that has become more evident due to social media and people seeing “fake” lives on instagram. It used to be that you were successful if you went to college, got a job, got married, buy a house, and start a family. But many factors really don’t allow that to be realistic for a large amount of people…..student debt and housing costs being both ridiculous. So, I am trying to understand what exactly “normal” is.

My work had talked about benefits we have for therapy. But when I looked at the site it said, “life coach”. When a group of us talked, they said that it was more therapy than life coach. So I decided to take a shot at it, because I do want to work through some things….like not really sure what I want to do moving forward, job-wise. Is it normal to not know what you want to do for the next 20 years work-wise? Is it normal to worry about your house getting caught on fire and not being able to save your pets because they hide under the bed. Fear of knowing that one day….you don’t know when….but one day you will get “the call”. Thinking that things are going juuuuuuust a little too smoothly.

Little by little, I am starting to try and train myself to think of one day at a time. Living moment by moment best I can, while keeping my eye on the future. I get super irritated at these folks that say “just always live in the moment….forget the future…” What shitty advice. I get that it is good to work through specific problems, but for your whole life? Pppfpfffttt….not unless you have unlimited money. If you are worried (like most people) about finances and living paycheck to paycheck, you can’t think like that your whole life. There has to be some thought towards the future.

Anyway, I did go to a life coach session and have one every 2 weeks. I am not sure if he is going to relate to me enough to get what I am saying, but it is unfair to not give him a shot. All the other folks that I read about on the site were a little uh…..pretentious!? I don’t know….it was the words they chose and the pictures they put up. It was like this one time I was at the doctor’s office and there were pictures of all the doctors in the clinic. something like 12 doctors? All of them had the white coat with the exception of one lady in what looked to be a sequin prom dress and a dude in a tuxedo. I was praying that neither one was the doctor I was going to see.

I have proven that God exists. Thank you, Jesus.

So, other than all that, I am killing my indoor plants, and will be making some paper flowers that won’t die in place of them in my cafe space. That should help to get me more motivated for art work.

Tucker is starting to sleep on the cat post we had in Japan again.

Chiyo still prefers Aki….

She is stealing Tucker’s spot during work hours.

My Sunday’s are not in my cafe area…..they are by the couch while it is not too cold and not too hot. The kitties enjoy it too. It’s lovely out. I still miss Tokyo, because I could walk around and see all sorts of new things.

Oh well…..hopefully I can get my mind straightened up to where I can want to be more productive. Maybe it is just time to rest that I need…..a looooooong rest.